New Year’s resolutions being as they are, and with my man-boobs approaching “C” cup, I joined a health club last week in an attempt to regain my hot bod. My wife is happy about this, and cautiously optimistic.

I know my way around the gym almost as good as my lawn.

I worked out a lot in high school (who didn’t right?) and developed a fit physique. (For the record, I’m the original ‘Fitch’ that made Abercrombie what he is today! ) Through my days in the military, I was able to keep this machine I call, “me,” running in top form – but in recent years, a desk job, marriage, kids, laziness and too much beer have contributed to weight gain and lethargy.

So here I am, 2008 looming, and I’ve made the commitment to get hard once again. But as I work out my hips, buns and thighs each morning, I can’t help but think about my lawn too. Here are some ways that working out and the health club are like your neighborhood and your lawn.

(1) No matter how nice and/or expensive your neighborhood, there are still inconsiderate hillbillies who will move in and leave their garbage cans and other crap strewn all over their front yard. Same with the gym. I joined a nice, private ”health club” with lots of rules and standards, and yet, there are still a few arse-holes who insist on leaving empty protein drinks and Gatorade bottles laying around. Even worse are the ones who sweat like pigs and drip all over the thigh-machine, and then not wipe it off when they are done! This pisses me off to no end because I gotta sit there too!

(2) At the gym, there’s always that scary old dude that walks out of the showers and shows everyone his gray-goat-bearded yam bag. It never fails that he strolls straight over to the polyurethane coated wooden bench near the lockers and plops his bare-naked ass right down by me as I am changing my shoes. I try not to look, but there’s that familiar sound – like somebody dropped a wet pack of hot dogs on the floor. Well, it seems that this same guy lives near me and he and his bag-of-a-wife use their front yard like a tanning salon.

(3) Do you have that neighbor that always thinks he knows what could make your lawn look better, and he is always telling you about it? At my old house, this guy lived across the street from me and was always squawking to me how to cut my lawn better, and keep it green, etc. …yet his lawn looked like the baron field behind a 7-11 store. It was seriously like a “Turf Twighlight Zone” or something.

Well, last week, I met this guy at the gym. He had to be about 6-foot, and 340 lbs of spare tire and cottage cheese … but he felt the need to explain to me the benefits of the triceps extension when done with free-weights vs the Cybex machine. I just laughed and told him to make sure and wipe his sweat off the bench before I got there!

(4) How about the “grunter?” This guy is in the back corner near the rusty free weights heaving dumbbells the size of a Buick and with every rep, he churns out a deathly grunt. Each one of these Gorilla-type gutterings is basically telling me, “You’re a weak and pitiful little man and I am a strong-ox with big bullocks!” 

There’s one of these guys in every neighborhood too. He’s the guy who you’ve met a hundred times, but he still can’t remember your name. He also happens to be the only middle-aged guy in the neighborhood that still maintains his 20-year-old physique. When you see him, since he can’t remember your name, he just grunts at you something like, “Hey thar Bro-der-heimer,” while he waves with a smirk.

(5) On a serious note, I believe in the “weight set point” theory when it comes to fat loss. What this means is that your body reaches a point where it feels “comfortable” and will do what it takes to stay there. When you work out and eat right, it’s discomforting and your body craves calories to get back to the “fat and happy” state. You have to train it to be comfortable at a leaner overall mass and it will eventually stay there.

Your lawn works this way too in regards to mowing height and water consumption. You can train it to look good any way you want, but it takes some work and some “ugliness” in getting there.

(6) Finally, it takes me about 45 minutes on the elliptical machine to burn 300 calories. Sadly, all of this work can be erased in 5 minutes with a single Big Mac! Your lawn works the same way in that you could spend years caring for it, and one neglectful season will turn it to weeds and toast. The lesson here is that anything worth having must be properly maintained FOR LIFE!

It just goes to show that no matter what I do, it all comes back to my lawn! I am obsessed for sure, and hopefully, in about 6 months, I’ll be able to take my shirt off while I mow it … you’re all invited to drive by: and I’ll grunt at you.

A Life and Lawns exclusive…

NORTHWEST INDIANA, December 2007– A group of winter turf murderers is on the loose in Lake County and is reeking havoc on local lawn lovers. Dozens of snow covered parkways have been littered with sodded carnage as dormant turf is being ripped from slumber and slung across the frozen landscape.

Local resident Max Middlebrown describes it this way; “It was this past Sunday morning; I was listening to smooth jazz and grooming my Chia Pet when I was suddenly startled by a vicious scraping sound, followed by a whirling, whipping wind, and then dead silence.”

Middlebrown, amidst tears of despair, went on to explain that as he peered through drawn curtains, he noticed pieces of disemboweled ryegrass scattered throughout his parkway and side yard. “It was a sight that is burned into the fabric of my nightmares. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to go outside again.”

County Constable Roy Ripstone said there are few leads in the case so far. “It seems that the perpetrator(s) is only interested in killing the grass. He or she does not take time to play on it, or even crack it’s crown… It’s a clean cut uprooting and is over quickly.”

If you look at the exclusive pictures obtained by Life and Lawns dot com, you can see the killed dead sod that has been viciously and mercelessly yanked from winter dormancy and deposited on top of freshly fallen snow. One neighbor suspects the bandits are using snow-plows as their cover.

“It’s them dang’d snow plows doin’ it,” said Mark Magilicutty of Crown Point, “They’s been rippin’ up ma grass fer years and ain’t no-one ever done a thang about it.”

Magilicutty does admit the problem seems a little worse this year then any other, but then again, “This area just ain’t the same no more. It used to be all corn fields, but there’s alotta new houses going up, so you’d expect more grass bein kilt,” he opined.

Whatever the cause of this turf destruction, police and county agents are at a loss on how to stop it. Marcy Mantoes, who runs the county’s snow removal operations, tells Life and Lawns that removing snow from cluttered streets is of the highest priority this time of year.

“These snow plow drivers are hired to get the snow outta the way,  and put down salt to stop the roads from icing up. If they end up knocking over a few mailboxes or killing some grass, so be it,” she gruffly stated. “We here at the snow department are just easy targets, and this scape-goating has got to stop!”

Whatever the cause, the good residents of Lake County and surrounding areas need not fear. The local landscapers association has already swung into action and will be ready to re-sod or re-seed the damaged areas in the Spring so homeowners can once again enjoy lush carpets of green.

“We won’t know the extent of the damage until the March thaw,” said Felipe Alvarez of Felipe’s Landscaping, “but we are prepared to do whatever it takes to patch up these damaged lawns and make them as good as new.”

Residents noticing murdered sod patches in their front lawns are urged to stay inside and sulk until Spring. Counsellors are on-hand at the local hospital should you feel your trauma is overwhelming your soul.

Stay tuned tomorrow night for another Life and Lawns exclusive entitled, “Restless Leg Syndrome, It Ain’t Just for Cats with Tape on Their Paws Anymore.”