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Breaking News: Turf Killers Run Rampant in NWI

By Allyn Paul, filed under Humor.



A Life and Lawns exclusive…

NORTHWEST INDIANA, December 2007– A group of winter turf murderers is on the loose in Lake County and is reeking havoc on local lawn lovers. Dozens of snow covered parkways have been littered with sodded carnage as dormant turf is being ripped from slumber and slung across the frozen landscape.

Local resident Max Middlebrown describes it this way; “It was this past Sunday morning; I was listening to smooth jazz and grooming my Chia Pet when I was suddenly startled by a vicious scraping sound, followed by a whirling, whipping wind, and then dead silence.”

Middlebrown, amidst tears of despair, went on to explain that as he peered through drawn curtains, he noticed pieces of disemboweled ryegrass scattered throughout his parkway and side yard. “It was a sight that is burned into the fabric of my nightmares. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to go outside again.”

County Constable Roy Ripstone said there are few leads in the case so far. “It seems that the perpetrator(s) is only interested in killing the grass. He or she does not take time to play on it, or even crack it’s crown… It’s a clean cut uprooting and is over quickly.”

If you look at the exclusive pictures obtained by Life and Lawns dot com, you can see the killed dead sod that has been viciously and mercelessly yanked from winter dormancy and deposited on top of freshly fallen snow. One neighbor suspects the bandits are using snow-plows as their cover.




“It’s them dang’d snow plows doin’ it,” said Mark Magilicutty of Crown Point, “They’s been rippin’ up ma grass fer years and ain’t no-one ever done a thang about it.”

Magilicutty does admit the problem seems a little worse this year then any other, but then again, “This area just ain’t the same no more. It used to be all corn fields, but there’s alotta new houses going up, so you’d expect more grass bein kilt,” he opined.

Whatever the cause of this turf destruction, police and county agents are at a loss on how to stop it. Marcy Mantoes, who runs the county’s snow removal operations, tells Life and Lawns that removing snow from cluttered streets is of the highest priority this time of year.

“These snow plow drivers are hired to get the snow outta the way,  and put down salt to stop the roads from icing up. If they end up knocking over a few mailboxes or killing some grass, so be it,” she gruffly stated. “We here at the snow department are just easy targets, and this scape-goating has got to stop!”

Whatever the cause, the good residents of Lake County and surrounding areas need not fear. The local landscapers association has already swung into action and will be ready to re-sod or re-seed the damaged areas in the Spring so homeowners can once again enjoy lush carpets of green.

“We won’t know the extent of the damage until the March thaw,” said Felipe Alvarez of Felipe’s Landscaping, “but we are prepared to do whatever it takes to patch up these damaged lawns and make them as good as new.”

Residents noticing murdered sod patches in their front lawns are urged to stay inside and sulk until Spring. Counsellors are on-hand at the local hospital should you feel your trauma is overwhelming your soul.

Stay tuned tomorrow night for another Life and Lawns exclusive entitled, “Restless Leg Syndrome, It Ain’t Just for Cats with Tape on Their Paws Anymore.”

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5 Responses to “Breaking News: Turf Killers Run Rampant in NWI”

  1. Bryan Says:
    4Avatars v0.3.1 v0.3.1

    Ha! Very funny! I think Chad dated a “Marcy Mantoes” at one time.

  2. Matt Mitchell Says:
    4Avatars v0.3.1 v0.3.1

    Oh noes! It’s time to build a 22′ security fence.

  3. BONDS756 Says:
    4Avatars v0.3.1 v0.3.1

    Pulaski Park is full of this crap! Does the city really plan on fixing this come sprin? Very entertaining post.

  4. kexbrown Says:
    4Avatars v0.3.1 v0.3.1

    Oh excellent. When I started reading the article I thought it was going to be about some animal. This past summer either a raccoon or skunk had disemboweled portions of my lawn. My guess is they were looking for grubs.

    But, as I read your article a smile began to broaden across my lips. The full guffaw occurred when I read the headline for your next post about RLS and cats. I can’t wait!

  5. Allyn Paul Says:
    4Avatars v0.3.1 v0.3.1

    Hi Ken, thanks for stopping by. Chances are, if you are in zone 4 or 5 you did have grubs. Trouble is, getting rid of the grubs doesn’t guarantee you’d get rid of the racoons…they tend to come back to the same restaurants year after year.
    Glad you gotta laugh outta this one. Stay warm! AL

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